My final word on the ‘friendzone’ controversy

Not much offends me. I’m more often accused of having no feelings or decency. But I’ve seen a few anti Nice Guy posts around the net lately and as a reformed Nice Guy it really pisses me off. “Like women are a vending machine and if you put enough nice in sex you get sex out.” or “I don’t care if you buy a woman a house that doesn’t make her have to sleep with you.” I’m just gonna rant this one out; fuck you for thinking every guy trying to trick you out of sex. Sometimes when a person is trying to make you happy it’s because they want you to be happy. The term Friendzone comes up when Person A (Let’s say it’s a guy) tells Person B (let’s say it’s not a guy) that they like them romantically and Person B says they like Person A platonically, i.e, as a friend. And Person A agrees. Gosh what an asshole.

Let’s say you walk into a restaurant and say “I’d like to order some food, please.” And the waiter said “Sorry, I just want to serve you coffee.” Would you sit there drinking coffee and being nice until the restaurant had sex with you? No. There’s a lot of restaurants in the world that would be faster and easier. There’s even street vendors.

Like I said, reformed Nice Guy here, I’m speaking from experience and when I told girls we could be friends here’s the emotional equation I’d go through. I want to be with them romantically because they’re smart, funny, and other cliches, and those things are still true if we’re together platonically. So I’ll drink coffee until the cows come home because the ambiance of the restaurant means more to me than having a meal there.

The problem comes from two possibilities. One: She meant “I don’t like you at all but that seems too mean to say.” So she throws the smoke bomb of friendship and ninjas out. And tells everyone what a creep you are. This is the better of the two options.

Ask yourself what’s wrong with yourself. Came up with a few things instantly didn’t you? Whatever your latest flaw de jour crossed your mind early today anyway. Ask anyone to list their own flaws and they’ll describe themselves ten times worse than anybody else would describe them. Now imagine someone you like, someone you’re putting on a bit of a pedestal, and every time you were around them you saw a big glowing sign above them that said “There’s something not good enough about you.” That’s rough. That causes strain. So Person A tries to get their self esteem back by forcing the issue, in which case see(!) he was only in it for sex what a creep he is. Or by walking away in which case he was only in it for sex and oh what a creep he is.

I tried to lay in some gender neutrality in this because I go for that sort of thing but I know the scenario is a bit different when Person A is a girl and Person B is a guy. Usually it’s a lot worse because he did sleep with you and string you along a bit til something better came by. Or it’s a lot lot worse if he doesn’t.

So my advice? Serious, honest, for real. advice I’ve never heard else where?

Person As: Don’t make big declarations of your true feelings. You’re hoping the dramatic gesture will cover the gap you know is there between your feelings and Person B’s. It won’t. Grow up. Quietly send out feelers and if you don’t get signs back (if you’re thinking maybe I am seeing signs but… you’re not. grow up.) Ignore your feelings until you like someone else. It’ll happen sooner than you think.

Person Bs: Don’t say anything you don’t mean literally. Don’t say “I’m not looking for a relationship right now.” If you mean “I’m not looking for a relationship with you. Ever.” Don’t accept gifts if it makes you feel awkward. Don’t humblebrag and use the whole thing to stroke your own ego either, everybody hates that. Grow up.

My credentials? Why can I give relationship advice? I’m in an extremely loving and happy relationship going on three years. No As or Bs about it.


Singer/songwriter, jerk.

Posted in Gender

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