On the album Richmond Road there is a song called Another Funeral and I’d always wanted to do it with a full band so earlier this year when Greystone Gardens got together I pitched it to the band and we started practicing it. That means playing it over and over so everyone can figure out their parts. So singing it over and over again is driving the meaning of the song into the forefront of my consciousness and the time in my life when I wrote it. Two friends of mine, Dean and his girlfriend Tabatha, had committed suicide and I had to deal with that severe loss and with a certain level of envy. Because I wanted to be the friend that killed himself. The title of the song comes from the original idea for the song that the only reason I wasn’t killing myself was that my friends couldn’t handle another funeral this year. As I worked on the song alone in my apartment the story I imagined of Dean and Tabatha meshed with what I imagined it would be like if I was really gone. Also, for the lyric geeks, I had just that week spilled burning butter on the carpet and left a signature burn that I figured will be someone else’s problem someday.
The thing is now it’s years later and I am not that person anymore. I look back at the person who felt that way and wrote those lyrics and I feel so sorry. So sorry for that person who felt so alone they thought death was the fix. So sorry for that person who felt so undeserving of love they thought the only way to get it was to be a tragedy. So sorry for the version of me that just wanted out, away, escape, relief, so badly that he thought the only way to make it better was death.
Then when I saw what it’s really like for those left behind, how it was a million times worse than I ever thought, and I still wanted to die I felt so guilty and ugly and selfish. And that’s what comes out in the song.
When I sing it I cry sometimes because I want to go back and hug that young version of myself, not because it’s gets better or anything like that but just because I, now, want to help anyone who feels that awful darkness so strongly.
And I get so scared whenever I’m the least bit sad that it’s happening again, that I’m going to be back in that dark place. It’s why I never want to have kids, because no one deserves to have a father who just falls apart into despair sometimes.
Because I have everything I want in life, fun job, my girlfriend, my band, and I still struggle and I know I always will no matter good things get.