Tunnel vision

I’ve known forever that I plow, I get excited about an idea and then it’s all I care about until I have a the next idea. I pride myself on it usually, all my heroes have men of singular uncompromising vision. And I’ve always been an Essentialist philosophically – meaning I think truth is found by stripping away the extrainious. 

It’s made me a bit dogmatic I’m sad to say I realized the other night. I was on the train with Mikey, who I’ve always felt quite brotherly toward and was giving a lecture on punk rock spirit, finding purpose in a fleeting life, and the danger of holding oneself to the lower standard you hold others. Just my usual light conversation.

Then he said “I’m the youngest of four brothers, don’t you think I hear this enough?”

In my life I’ve grown to hate being forgiven. I hate being let of the hook. Because it implies I can’t handle something, I can’t face real consequences, that I need the coddling of someone bigger or some instatution. So in the spirit of do unto others I’m unforgiving when I think someone is making excuses rather than growing. Because if you excuse yourself once you can do it forever. Until it’s too late and your on your death bed wishing you hadn’t put off this or that for twenty years.

But the thing is, that’s my path, that’s my motivation. And I know that you can’t tell someone else how to navigate life because really you’re talking to your younger self and not that person. People only truly internalize the lessons they fought through hard times to learn. I remember being young, people couldn’t tell me shit, they still can’t, all the wise folks of my youth could do was gently plant seeds that I look back on later.

There is a pressure I almost always feel that time is rushing by and it’s already too late to do even a facsimile of the things I wanted to do. So I’m in a panic to do as much as possible and in a constant awkward silence with my friend despair.

And sadly I realized I can’t spare anyone else that feeling.

I’m a difficult friend to have and my core group has accepted me despite that, I wonder if I can find a way to maintain my unflinching honesty and still be accepting of other people’s position on their path.

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Singer/songwriter, jerk.

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Posted in Depression & Suicide, Pragmatism

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