All my life I’ve had the feeling that I’ll live another 2 – 5 years. Obviously it’s never come true and yet that doesn’t make the make the feeling go away.
That’s why I wasn’t too surprised at the start of June when I started feeling suicidal. The gateway had closed and I was bouncing around shitty jobs.
Thinking about killing myself is completely normal for me, feeling like killing myself isn’t too far outside the box either. And really oddly there’s never an inciting incident, it’s not like something bad happens and then I feel like committing suicide, in fact when there are problems to be dealt with I’m great at putting my feelings on hold and powering through. It’s when everything is seemingly okay but I’m feeling isolated that the darkness creeps in.
So in the summer it was the closing of the gateway. Working new jobs at shitty bars where I didn’t know or like anybody and feeling really alone. I know I’m an introvert and I really like being alone but I don’t feel lonely when I’m alone, I feel lonely when I’m around people who don’t care about me. It was only after that, after I was already talking openly about how I had planned on killing myself that the falling out with my old band mates happened and no one was on my side or even tried to help me. It became the loneliest, darkest time of my life. I’ve been suicidally depressed dozens of times in my life and up until this last one it always felt the same. It was a feeling like returning home, like walking into your bedroom at your parents house. This time was darker and harder and I had to go through it totally alone. I don’t feel like I rallied, got better, and survived. I feel like I stumbled through a forest in the dark and came out the edge by chance and it wasn’t any brighter.
While it has finally had a positive effect on me, I’ve become fiercely protective of the people close to me and uncompromising when it comes to excuses, I still feel traumatized by that time in my life. Until now I had accepted that my life would be a series of depressions and periods of normalcy. Now though I feel like this last low was so low I can’t do it again. It was too much and I didn’t get through it by being strong or brave I got through by being thinking and feeling nothing. I feel like if I go there again I won’t dodge the bullet.
And if not this one then the next one. Or the inevitable next one after that.