I’m actually a pretty rad dude and I love my life. It’s an odd type of confession, I think there’s a pressure in the modern society to hate yourself, there’s an idea that the only way to be interesting is to be miserable and happy people are stupid. But really the current climate, especially on the Internet, is so preoccupied with sadness and adopting a mental illness life style that it’s become tedious. I know you’re sad, we’re all sad and life is actually an awful and cruel state of existence, that’s old news and it’s boring. What I find interesting now is happiness without denial, finding a way to embrace life without just pretending you’re okay.
Inside I care about nothing. People who care about like to sentimentalize me and tell me what I care about but the truth is I’m completely empty underneath except for a yearning to not be empty sometimes. Rather than care about things I feel a desire, a sliver of a desire, to care about things. And I’ve found a lot of happiness by chasing that sliver. I’ve become the person I always wanted to be. Which I’m sure would seem crazy to an indoctrinated “normal” person because I’m poor, ugly, have an hourly wage job that I hope doesn’t turn into a career, and my only passion is my band. But really when I was younger and I imagined having a cool older brother this was the person I saw, right down to the tattoos and never combed hair.
So I get it that it baffles people that I still talk about suicide and dying in the next few years. One, just because I’m happier now than I’ve ever been doesn’t mean I’ll be happy for ever or ever again after this. In fact the fact that I’m happier now is proof that it’s possible in the future to be more depressed than I’ve ever been. And two, just because I’ve embraced the meaninglessness of life doesn’t mean life has meaning. Just because I’m getting good at living the way I want doesn’t mean that living is any less of an awful joke. I accept that sometimes awful jokes are the funniest.