It seems weird for this blog to write a blog about itself but really it’s been the most forefront thing on my mind lately. Mainly because I feel like not much is worth writing after the big summer of 2015 post. Because I’m proud of it, I’m grateful to everyone who’s read it.
So like I said in that post I wanted to book end the narrative of how I was a suicidal wreck and I’m a little stronger now. Which in turn makes me hesitant to write anything about suicide because I feel like I covered it pretty well by now. And I’d hate to read a blog that basically said “yep, still bummed” all the time.
And yet whenever I start writing something else I feel like it isn’t as important as the 2015 post and why bother? I don’t want to follow it up with a forced piece of fluff.
Or thirdly, the issues I’m most preoccupied with are a tad too specific and I don’t want to throw anyone under the bus. Except for people I’d like to literally throw under a bus.
Really right now everything’s in a holding pattern anyway.
Work is still basically great even if some of the people suck this year and the challenges feel mundane again.
The band’s still basically good even if we’ve totally stagnanted since recording and it feels like if I focus on anything else we just grind to a halt.
my home life is basically good after we felt like we were growing apart during Christmas and we’re so broke we can feed ourselves.
So everything is basically good. Each of those three things really deserves a full length post of their own.
Normally when things are going just okay I feel creeping ennui.
I was hungover at work on Friday and it was noticeable to me and my coworkers that I was easier to be around. I was too zombified to have the running chatter in my brain of anxiety and depression so I was in pretty high spirits even if I forgot what I was doing every 20 seconds. I know why people do drugs. The potential of the human brain creates immense pressure that no one can live up to.
And yet I never want to be medicated or playcated. I feel like if I give up my despair I’ll lose all my drive to become better. Like I’ll become someone I never wanted to be if I ever become okay with who I am.
I’m going to be doing YouTube videos on my social, political, and religious views (already started actually) and keep this blog focused on me, on songwriting, and on our music scene. Just to separate the personal and
global so each vein can find it’s audience.
Because I still feel like I have a lot to work out, a lot to say, and so few occasions to say it.