I’ve taken it for granted for a long time now that I’m not normal. Long ago I wrote a song for the Stuart sisters when I worked at Richmonds and I was completely blind sided when they hated me for it. I though to myself “this happened because I tried to fit in among the Normals, I’m not normal and I never will be.”
I’ve also always taken it for granted that I’m severely clinically depressed and oddly that often brings me comfort. Because of course I’m sad, but it’s just medical and I can work around it.
But it occurs to me know that what if it’s not? What if everyone feels like this and they’re just coping better?
When I was young I looked around at every adult in my world and said I hope I never become that. A lot of my friends said the same thing and now I’ve watched them turn into exactly those things but swear it’s not bad. I know we’re not angry adolescents anymore and they swear they’re fine with things but I’m not. I’m just an extremely old angry adolescent. And I still don’t want to change, I don’t want to sell out or settle and I still don’t want to be like any adult I think of. Even my peers.
I’ve been talking to some people about continuity. Does a person see themselves as an extension of their earlier self or as a different person entirely and your memories are more like a movie you’ve seen.
Obviously I though both ways at different times. I spent a lot of time and effort reinventing myself but lately I’m thinking that just adopting different behaviors doesn’t really change what I see myself as internally. And I’ve never changed my fatalistic sense of destiny that I’m a mentally ill tortured artist whose only purpose is to die.
And I think it’s an extremely important distinction that that is not what I want to be, it’s what I think I am. Like a Transgender person not “wanting” to be a woman, they are and always were.
So the question for me is there anywhere else to go? Can I change my mental-emotional “gender” and life a normal life with any sort of contentment?