Most of my life I’ve taken it for granted that I’ll never be happy so I might as well be productive. Which meant I was frustrated most of the time especially by people who were much more interested in having fun than accomplishing things.
As I’m relaxing into the life of a ghost I’ve been thinking about the opposite; if I’m not going to be productive I might as well feel good.
So exercising and eating better, spending time with friends, doing drugs, all good starts to feeling better.
Turns out I’m really bad at distracting or entertaining myself. Just killing time isn’t easy.
I spent a lot of the summer waiting for work to start again. With all last year’s surprises and emergencies I started the work year off 3 grand in debt. It took all year to pay it off so all life goals had to be put on hold. Life goals like buy a couch.
But I got through this summer totally broke but pretty close to the water line debt wise so I had that to look forward to. Whenever I was bored and imprisoned in my apartment I thought about work starting again, having challenges to tackle, and earning money to get normal life on track. A track like buying a couch.
I forgot 2 things though. 1, work means taking transit and taking transit makes me disgusted with humans. 2, work actually provides a lot of mental down time. My routine for blogging last year was I’d be mulling an idea while chopping peppers or something, open a draft on my phone, work on it in minutes here and there and on the train home and sometimes even upload it right from there or come home and read it over before doing so.
But anyway, mental down time is not something I want right now. I like up time, I like moving forward. I hate waiting because it makes me think about what I’m waiting for. And right now I’m waiting to get money so I can get stuff. Stuff I need on one level – like new shoes as my boots have been rotting off my feet for years – but with time to think my nihilism kicks in and I realize those new shoes will instantly start becoming old shoes, changing nothing meaningful.
It used to be in my mental down time I fell into thinking about the band, about myself because the band was my self. My old mind set that I’d never be happy always came with the idea that stuff doesn’t matter, it doesn’t matter if I have crappy old boots because music is all that matters, living my artist biography was all that mattered. And when things were going well I did feel good in my mental down time.
So am I becoming someone distracting himself to death, like I’ve criticized others for it the past?