I said in October that the good side of being in crisis is you get to bask in your friendships.
A lot of people’s first response when they heard about Simone and I breaking up was to say they would take me out drinking and/or offer me a place to stay.
I should take this time to let you know that I’m not upset about the break up. I’m sad but I’m not hurt. We’d become background characters in each others lives. I have no regrets or unresolved feelings and I don’t think Simone does either. We were good for each other for a long time. She was a good girlfriend and I was a good boyfriend and I’m certain we’ll be good former boyfriends and girlfriends. You might have heard me rant about how I hate the phrase “my ex…” and I’ll never feel that Simone is my ex, she’ll always be a friend, an old flame, she’ll always be Simone. She will always be a whole person not a role, not a title.
Meanwhile I’m spending a lot of time alone because that’s primarily how I nurture myself and get better. But I’m also putting some time into working on my friendships. On building intimacy and acceptance rather than putting people into roles.
I know I can’t think my way out of depression. And I know I can’t pin the value of myself and my life to one thing anymore. I can’t keep putting myself into roles either.
My whole life has been about wanting something big, about getting to Nirvana, Valhalla, a place in the sun where I’d be happy then.
Now I don’t actually want anything and I have everything I need, I actually have way more than I need.
It’s strange that “I don’t care” in a depressed way and “I don’t care” in more of a zen way can look the same externally but feel very different inside. Actually it’s a matter of depression saying “this matters but I don’t care” vs now “I care but this doesn’t matter”
Maybe the secret to being happy is not caring if you’re happy. Thanks Marge.