I’d been really conflicted about writing lately. There’s a lot of stuff up in the air right now and I don’t have a firm enough grip on anything to write. On the particular subject of sobriety I started a few posts but also deleted them because as much as I wanted to write about it I didn’t want to talk about it, hence these posts being scheduled for December. It gives me so safe distance and it feels a bit like working on a novel. So Enjoy.
The plan is no drinking for six weeks. From Oct 31 til the staff party December 10th.
That’s roughly how long it takes to clear up all the effects of hooch on the body and brain.
I’d been trying a lot lately to cut back, to drink responsibly, but I never made any commitments or rules so it was easy to stay in old habits and to never fight temptation.
But I made a deal with myself in the last 2 weeks of October that I’d let all the swirling depression run it’s course until the 30th when I’d decide firmly to die and if not then I had to decide firmly to live.
Naturally this came up in conversation with Mandi. I know it was Oct 22nd because that was the date of the Boreal Sons show which we didn’t attend. I actually thought she’d basically say “Yeah do whatever” and she pretty much did. But then she realized it was 8 days away and got freaked out. So much so that I had to comfort her and it was a yearning reminder that my vision of people’s reaction to news of my death was deeply cinematic and it would truly be a much uglier, messier thing.
Mandi and I spent the entire weekend in a bubble talking about suicide realistically and philosophically. It was exactly what I needed. When I talked to other people about sadness and suicide and the end of this chapter in my life they usually took the frame that things would just be okay eventually. Mikey was the other good talk I had in October even though he took a tough love approach and told me to delete Mandi from my phone, stop fucking up other people’s lives because they care about me, and choose to get better by myself for myself. Which is basically my routine with these things except I have to put the step at the beginning where I wallow in despair and intend to kill myself for a couple weeks.
With the break up not going as cataclysmic as I thought and work getting to the new normal post-Dan I’m calm. I can do this.