I definitely have more energy. I’m motivated, I feel like doing things. Normally when I feel energized and have money on a nice day I feel like drinking, which was totally true yesterday I did feel like drinking. But I didn’t want to drink, I didn’t crave it, it was just the pull of habit. Instead I went to the bookstore, wandered the mall, got a hair cut. One interesting thing is the way I suddenly think about money. I never specifically budgeted for booze but I’d see 200 dollars in the bank and think about social occasions in the month ahead and decide I couldn’t afford to buy anything I need. Now I don’t need money for Cowpuncher, whether I have 30, 60, or a hundred bucks I’m going to have the exact same amount of fun at the show.
Well Mandi may or may not be coming so we’ll see how that wrenches around the fun level. I’m keeping a healthy distance from her right now. To stay on the right track right now I have to judo passed negative thoughts and that’s mostly what Mandi is.
She is a breathing confirmation that I’m not enough in so many ways. Focusing on getting better, getting as best I can, has me once again seeing a dream girl in my peripheral vision though. Rather than doing it in the hope of making Mandi love me, or for my friends, or even for myself I’m getting to my best self for this feeling that there will be someone for me.
I’ve always said I don’t have a type or checklist, I just respond to a sense of connection in this meaningless universe. But I see right now I do have a dream girl just ahead of me in my mind moving around corners before I get a clear look at her.
I’ve never told anyone this but in the time before I met Amy I had the same feeling about a blonde girl coming into my life. And Amy is a dream girl and she certainly changed my life but I was never romantically attracted to her, I never wanted her to be something, Amy just is, she’s a force of nature.
I’m always hoping some female savior will come into my life. Or I want to fall so head-over-heels in love I can drop my whole disappointing life, my whole disappointing self, and everything goes happily ever after.
Without a band my hopes for a happily ever after fell on romantic partnership. I went from imagining legions of fans would accept me and fill the void to hoping one woman will. The next step down would be hoping to love myself which grosses me out, I hate people who love themselves.