Nov 4. I usually write in the morning on the train. This was an eventful day so I added to it on the train home at the end of the day too. Hence the Evening Addendum.
I got new jeans and boots to go with my new hair. I look back on other times in my life where I’ve formed a new identity inside and out and I guess that’s what needs to happen now. Rather than think of myself as Alastair forcing himself to work out I think of myself as someone who works out.
Biologically sobriety is going as forecast and I’m craving lots of sugary foods. There’s tons of sugar in booze (which is why alcoholics end up with diabetes, like Lemmy) and the body is accustomed to it. But I’m staying away from sugar and dairy still, although not as firmly as when I was drinking. I figure cutting out booze and having the occasional ice cream cone is better than drinking everyday and foregoing all ice cream treats.
There’s a show tonight so we’ll see how sobriety treats that. Also hanging out with Rob who is a classic drinking buddy and someone who thinks about alcoholism could be good, bad, or ugly. Mandi is a wild card tonight but I’m divorced from all hope of her doing anything social, mostly to protect my oh so delicate and delusional feelings and because it’s just a practical response to her pattern.
I’m not to worried about friends in general right now actually. It’s a big worry for the pre-sober that it’ll cost you all your friends but I used my friends in tandem with alcohol as an escape. I’d just spend weekends drunk hiding from my sense of self at Ben’s or Red’s. And even then I’d internally keep my distance and think this isn’t who I really am, it can’t be. But we are our behaviour, you are your friends. I feel liberated from my old identity and therefore from all his friends too.
I get my socializing at work and being nice to strangers.
I’m back in the habit of listening to Positive Songs For Negative People everyday. That’s a good thing.
I’m standing on the train platform after the Cowpuncher show. I look fantastic, everyone said so. And everyone’s supportive of me being sober. I had a good time. I’ve proven I can have a good time sober.
Also let’s take a minute to be mortified by the behaviour of white chicks at concerts.