Maybe it’s the weekend and the amount of time to think or the lack of social contact but my positivity has evaporated. I think I’ve entered the next stage on the sobriety timeline. The novelty of sobriety is no longer exciting and all the problems that drove me to drink are still there, worse than ever in fact because I put them off and hid in a bottle for so long. And scarier now than ever because nihilistic drinking is my only coping mechanism. So the monsters are bigger and I’ve given up my only armour, fun times.
Yesterday I was thinking about isolation. It’s weird that when I was spiraling I’d isolate and feel like I was hiding. If being isolated meant getting worse than getting better should logically mean being with people. But if part of my problem is I’m an emotional black hole and I use people to get out my own head then I can’t get better.
Unless life really is just a series of pleasant distractions until something kills you.
I know that a sense of belonging is my happiness. It’s what I love about the gateway, it’s what I wanted from the band and from being a musician, it’s what I suppose I want from a girlfriend. And its certainly what i got from drinking. So if I had that feeling all the time would I stop wanting a purpose? would that yearning for a meaningful life evaporate? would I be better off without it?
I don’t really belong if I have to change. is that selfishness? I want a place where I fit exactly as I am and then I can grow and change because I want to not because I have to.
Does that exist in real life? Isn’t that what family is supposed to be? Since I can’t change the family I had can I fill that need is some other, healthy, way? Or am I doomed to be desperate inside and the best I can hope for to mitigate despair with humility?
What’s the practical difference between humility and humiliation? Is it normal to accept that I’m always going to feel shame and to just work around it?
Why am I on this devistating quest for a fulfilled sense of self and future when everyone else seems to be doing better than fine by not thinking about it?
And the crazy thing I know I seem fine too. I was planning to kill myself and still came across as fine to everyone. I was blossoming into a full blown alcoholic and everyone thought I was okay. Is it that we all just don’t notice each other?
I had the feeling last month that I’m just a meaningless background character in other people’s lives. they don’t need me for anything but they still like me and want me around. Is that all anyone is to anyone else? Maybe that’s why I’m such a love addict, I want to be vital to someone and I want someone to be vital to me. Vital, not enjoyable, not preferable, indisposable.
Red made a comment I was very familiar with at the show Friday, she said “I just have to find something I like more than getting wasted.”
I felt that way about booze too but it’s also how I feel about life in general. I just want to find something about being alive that I like more than I like the idea of being dead.
But the same problem is true of both ideas. I thought about getting sober “for Mandi” but I know how that road ends. Being sober won’t turn me into the guy Mandi wants to be with and every time I feel that sting I’ll punish us both by drinking.
Or to put it in terms of my most important relationship: I thought about getting sober the band as well and all it meant was that I had license to act as badly as I wanted when the band wasn’t going well because I could tell myself the band had let down its side of the deal.
It’s just classic adolescent acting out. ‘If everyone just treated me perfectly then I’d be perfect but anything less means I’m justified being shitty’. And then to make sure that even if things are going really really well we subconsciously fuck them up because we’re scared of the pressure to live up to expectations.
Hence why addiction is a cycle.
It sucks that the bad things in life come in cycles, one thing leading to the next effortlessly, but good things all take constant concious work. That’s why dying feels so easy, so natural and obvious a solution. A drowning person will tread water vigorously until they tire and weaken and sink a little then fear will get them a burst that gets them back to the surface for a bit but they’re still tired, worse than before and they sink a little further next time, and on and on until they don’t get back to the surface one time.
That’s all that’s really happening here. This period of recovery is still just part of the cycle. Because there’s nowhere else to go. I’m back at the surface for a bit but I’m still going to drown, I am still drowning.
And I could extend the metaphor into terms of grabbing onto to other people and dragging them down and blah blah blah but metaphors are a stupid distraction. They usually signify the real conversation is over. I should write a Telling Better Stories about it.