The start of the second week. The guys at work are expressing some pride in me and letting me talk about it so that’s a relief. Luke is going sober for a while too so mornings at work are our own type of AA meeting. But with punk rock.
I know I write effortlessly, enjoyably even about suicide and serious shit yet what I’m about to write feels like a vulnerable over share: my libido is in over drive. on the sobriety timeline around 2 weeks I saw reduced sex drive so I’m assuming this is part of sobriety and not just the break up. sobriety is like menopause for drunks. It works in mysterious ways.
I chatted a bit with Mikey yesterday and he’s supportive in a pushy sort of way. It’s interesting for me because it’s exactly what I was doing to Ben a while ago. Anyway Mikey suggests I find something that makes me happy which isn’t about approval or acceptance. Which of course is what I’ve been trying to figure out. The only thing I want on Earth is to be a singer in a band again. And I do want it for my own happiness but I’d have to acknowledge there is an element of acceptance in that too.
I think worth comes from what you do, not just who you are. Because everyone has qualities that make them likable and or interesting. Everyone. And being as interesting as everyone is the same as not being interesting. It’s our behavior that can be considered ethically positive or negative, It’s behavior that defines worth and behavior only matter in terms of its consequences.
Meaning, if you read a great book and never tell anyone that’s completely futile. If you have an interesting conversation about it that makes you and your interlocutor think about the book and yourselves, maybe shifts points of view and behaviors then the book is clearly great and reading it had meaning. And you, the reader, have value because it was your insight and conversation that had a positive effect.
Let’s take a second to say that having a negative effect is easy, lazy, cowardly, and something no one should aspire to.
So I guess the conflict I feel is that I want to do good, be accepted, not be selfish, and let my behavior be my identity. But then I feel like I’m burying something and living insincerely, and not truly accepted because it’s the role I’m filling not who I am that’s appreciated.
I know I’ve tried living both sides of that coin and had it not work out.
I’m accepted at work more for who I am than what I do. There are only 2 things I specialize at better than others, besides that I’m actually not great and anyone could do my job. Yet the team is the strong and I always feel I’m a vital part of it.
Work is great because I feel safe from the the pressure to be accomplishing great life goals but because we talk about sobriety and eating healthy and stuff I feel like I’m still working on myself while I’m there. It’s a safe space.
And I know that’s the attitude I should have had about the band but that’s different. Music was my life defining fixation at the time. And besides, I hate the notion that things are better if you care less. Because I can’t care less I can only pretend not to care. it’s the way typical people act toward romantic relationships and I find it tedious and gross. But I say that someone who smothers and scares off women so remember that I’m not here giving advice, I’m still the patient in these therapy sessions.
I’m aware that I live in a cycle of fixation and unfulfillment. I’m just not aware of any other way to operate without constantly holding myself back, aiming low, and therefore being unfulfilled anyway.
A lot of people travel. it’s normal for a lot people I’ve known to focus on a trip for a year, take it, come back, unwind, plan the next trip. It fills their purpose-hole. I’ve always said I couldn’t do it, it’s too obviously meaningless. It’s Sysiphian. I know it’s normal and all, but I’ve come to terms with the fact that normal life isn’t good enough for me. Not because I’m special and deserve anything but just because it would be easier to die than to turn off that part of me that feels ashamed to settle.
I know I don’t really have a drinking problem, I have a suicidal depression problem, but dealing with the drinking first is hopefully clearing my head enough to deal with my other issues. Without tripping over my own crutches, so to speak.
My mindset right now is about satiating my need to fixate. I fixated on dying in October, and as result I’m fixating on physical health for this six weeks. And of course I’m already worried about what comes next. Including my 32nd birthday. shudder.
Got to fixate on something, even if it’s fixating on not fixating.