I want this to be another good day post. I’m basically happy right now. Weekend mornings I go for a walk, get a coffee, think, write, listen to new albums on Spotify, get in about 3 or 4 hours of introvert time. Take myself out for lunch usually. And today I worried I haven’t looked at my bank account in a while. I’ve been getting lunch, expensive coffee, I bought clothes, I go to the bookstore most days because it gives me inner peace, and I looked at my bank account… still fine. Payday is coming up and I’m not skint. It’s crazy. I knew I was spending all my money on booze but I didn’t realize how much money I actually had.
I think my internal retaining walls are strong again. I don’t feel lonely or needy. I feel wise, I feel humble when I’m alone now. I hate myself because I’m not good enough for the women I want but when I’m just some guy writing in the coffee shop that doesn’t matter. I hate the story of my life, past, present, and future, but when there’s no audience for that story it doesn’t really matter to me. Being ugly is easy if you make a world without mirrors.
I don’t want to be someone who is shut down though. I want to keep my heart open, keep believing in love, keep hoping life gets better.
Nope, now I’m making myself sad. Thinking about the future makes me sad. I have no hopes left.
My major source of unhappiness really is other people. I have this totally irrational feeling that everyone pities me, some so much that it turns to scorn, but pity is the only emotion I can imagine anyone feeling toward me. Why the fuck is that? But I don’t feel that way all the time, when I feel good being alone I don’t care about the idea that everyone hates me, I feel like I’m an island and nothing can touch me.
Why am I happy early in the day? Is it the potential for accomplishing something or is it just caffeine? Is it just sunlight and people moving around? I usually feel that I haven’t done anything most days, I feel like I should be closer to my goals and my best self but I don’t have any goals or any internal definition of a best self. Why do I feel like I’m failing a test I’m not taking?
K, not much of a good day post but lots to think about.