I don’t know if it’s really the sobriety or not but I got extremely depressed yesterday. I did just pass the 2 week mark and supposedly that’s where depression is likely, along with symptoms I don’t have like sleep disruptions and decreased sex drive. But I also talked to my former bandmates last night.
I had my first practice on bass for the Reckless Heroes and it was casual. I’d been thinking lately that I need to do things because they’re fun, cool things to do and not everything has to be meaningful and fulfilling. And I figured that was the right mindset to talk to the band again and maybe do some recording over christmas. The worst they can say is no, right, and if it doesn’t mean anything then no harm. Roll the dice.
Nope. Turns out none of them have changed a bit. Just like before it doesn’t matter what my mindset is if it has no bearing on theirs.
I thought I might be able to hang out with old friends, do some recording, and be in and out without wading back into the world of bullshit I’ve been diligently extricating myself from for a year. And the timing was just bad. X broke up with Y and Z was hiding this from so-and-so and I know from Y that this isn’t true blah blah blah high school bullshit.
And my train of thought goes:
-I can’t trust anybody
-Nobody trusts me
-Life is a wash, nothing can be fixed, it only gets worse, why can’t I write songs anymore, why can’t I do anything, I’m ugly, blah blah blah repeat.
I envy people who can have shitty friends. I just don’t understand the mindset but it seems like it makes life super easy compared the all-or-nothing suicide ethics I can’t stop myself from thinking. I’m turning into Moe Zizlack.
I envy people who can miss a meal. I’m so fragile, so prone to despair that missing a meal or not having enough coffee can change my outlook enough that suicide seems like the only reasonable thing to do.
I know that sounds hyperbolic and insane but it’s literally true, it happened last week. I had a muffin instead a full breakfast and by 2:30 I was in catatonic despair.
And I hate being so vulnerable and having to work so hard just to get to normal. I always have to babysit myself, my diet, my sleep, the way I talk to myself internally. But I have to accept that and work with it, stop pitying myself for it. And especially stop letting myself go off the rails when it feels like too much pointless effort.
When I talk about suicide and depression the frame a lot of people take is that I just have to wait it out, it’s an episode that will pass. And that simply isn’t true for me. Despair is my normal. It’s the baseline of my life and periods of happiness are the episodic spikes that come and go.
When people tell me it’ll get better I say I know, and then it will get worse again after that.
For me winter is normal, winter is real, and summer is a fleeting break, I don’t cherish it because I see the signs of Fall always coming. For others winter is the temporary condition to be tolerated while looking forward to spring and summer.
And people always tell me to talk when I feel suicidal but how does that conversation really go? “Hey I was upset about something objectively inconsequential for most of the day, round 4 everything was so hopeless it occurred to me that suicide is the only recourse and it’s inevitable anyway and then I tried everything to think my way out of it for the rest of the night while also beating myself up for thinking this way, read some Jane Eyre and went to bed. Talk to ya again in two weeks or when we run out of fucking avocados or something.”
That’s pathetic. And feeling pathetic is one rung on what I’m now calling my suicide ladder.
It’s also why I hate receiving ‘support’ I cringe when people say general, vague, nice things when I write like this because it makes me feel even more pathetic.
I’ll give an exception to Jon’s “Articulating introspection isn’t narcissism” comment though, that was specific, considerate, helpful, and quotable.
Anyway the lesson here in terms of sobriety is that I’m not better when I feel better, I’m still extremely vulnerable, now’s maybe not the time to roll dice and rush life into being what I want.
You just gotta let tomorrow be a new day.