Jesus, is that right? where do the days go?
I’m going for coffee with Mandi today. Yesterday I was worried I was over her, that it would be mundane and underwhelming. Boring even. But also yesterday I bought clothes because I’m seeing – being seen by – Mandi today.
I actually debated getting my hair cut again since she didn’t see it fresh 2 weeks ago. So yeah, totes over it.
I know that best case it is mundane, nothing truly good can happen anymore. And worst case I’m scared that I’m just setting myself up for devastating heartache. But I just really want to see her. I love watching her eyes when she’s thinking, her mouth when she’s talking. I could probably be elated for days watching her drink a milkshake through a straw.
I didn’t really have any temptation to drink once I decided it was bad for me, once I knew I’d feel physically and mentally worse if I drank, it’s the same thing that made it easy to quit smoking 10 years ago. Mandi has been more harm than good the vast majority of the time I’ve known her and yet I can’t foster an aversion to her. I can’t even get mad at her. she ruined my life inside and out and I turned it all inward and just hated myself more.
One strategy I’m using is trying to keep my social calendar full. Dinner with Jay Tuesday, coffee with Kevin yesterday, coffee with Josanna tomorrow. To break this notion that the only person I make time to see is Mandi and so I can’t get sucked up into my own head so completely. It’s part of the depression to withdraw and not feel like doing social things but I always feel better during and after so I know I just have to set myself up and go through the motions.
Dinner with Jay was good. After I wrote the earlier sobriety post that talked about him and Ben I sent it to them. It’s easier to talk about something when it doesn’t come at you like a public sucker punch, and the point of all this isn’t just me recording an even greater depth of introspection, it’s to really try and get better and honest conversations are the real goal, the real bread and butter.
Jay brought up my comment about feeling shrugged off and even as we talked about I felt the shrug in the air. It’s not a dismissive shrug though, it’s resignation. When I talk about how the inability to make a loving trustworthy connection makes me suicidal people say that’s the way life is. And that’s not a good enough life for me. There’s this convoluted notion that if you accept that life sucks it doesn’t suck anymore and I can’t do it, I’m always disappointed that people hold back the search for honesty and connection based on the tiniest, pettiest things. We all know we’re going to have regrets when we die and yet you moderate the affection you show because you’re scared it’s not reciprocal? I don’t have the time.
Jay did give me a few things to think about and I did pick up some 5 htp and St John’s Wort. And we didn’t drink so the conversation stayed focused. Although also brief, normally when we drink we talk for days. Literally start drinking and talking in the afternoon of one day and wrap it up after breakfast the next. But it’s always absurd.
There’s also a matter in these conversations of familiarity versus intimacy. Talking with Jay and with Kevin there isn’t intimacy, it’s honest and there’s limitless trust but it doesn’t feel private. And they roll with everything I say, nothing feels like a revelation. It’s like we both already know the whole story so talking about it feels incidental.
Whereas talking with Maria these last few days, slowly moving her through the chapters of my despair with humour and charm allows me to shift my own point of view. Her and I mostly laugh about the meaninglessness of life and all these seemingly grandiose emotions and it’s a relief.
Which has to make me wonder if I just if my only criteria for social nourishment is girls with blue eyes and cute laughs.