Final Reckless Heroes practice before the show. I was super late because a jackass decided to hang off the mirror of a C-Train, fall, and get pinned. When I got there though we tore into the set, it’s a half hour set and we got through it three times in about 75 minutes. Just driving though songs at breakneck speed, no breaks, no breaths. We were sweating and laughing, it was great, I wanted a beer.
I felt the healing power of jam.
Walking to the train I wanted to listen to Kings & Queens by 30 Seconds To Mars like I did after every Greystone practice. I had to settle for the new Dragonette album, I’ve really come to like it and it’s the only happy music I have on hand.
I was texting with Maria, because that’s what I do when I’m happy, about drinking in heels and how great drunken voice mails are.
I can crawl into bed happy. I know it’s just endorphins and I should really take up jogging but my only thought is that I should take up band life seriously again except that I can’t trust anyone and I don’t want to deal with all the phoney bullshit people. I think about how I can’t rely on anyone in music, then I think I can’t rely on anyone in the context of friendship or romance either, then I think no matter what the endorphins are telling me I’m going through life completely alone forever.
I wake up sad nowadays, that’s something that never used to happen. I lay in bed in the dark and the thoughts start coming right away.
I have fun at some point most days and feel a kind of quasi happiness but I’ve always been able to pause and ask myself if I still want to die and the answer has always been yes.
I have fun at work, work is very social, work is stress free, work feeds and caffeinates me. I hang out with people and I’m not unhappy it’s just that I know it’s a fleeting distraction, a bubble.
I can safely say I’ve demonstrated the spiritual purity of my unhappiness. I sobered up, I’m eating clean, I’ve basked in my friendships, I’m not wasting any time on Netflix or Facebook, I’m taking serotonin boosters, I’m taking vitamin D, I’m trying to dismiss negative ruminations when they come up, and I still fantasize about being dead.
I wake up sad, I fall asleep sad, and in between I spend 100% of my daily energy trying to cheer myself up, trying not to be so down it makes other people uncomfortable, just trying and trying. I can run full tilt in any direction, constructive or destructive, but the feelings are always with me.