Sobriety

Okay epilogue, final post, real wrap up, here we go.

There is no walking off into the sunrise. The story doesn’t have an ending, in life no story does. Even when I die my story isn’t over if someone else is around to tell it, to hear it, to be effected.

I think, by coincidence, I captured a period of severe depression. By setting out to write about sobriety in hope of recording all the good things about it to hold onto later I wound writing about depression and woman with more honesty and insight than if I’d tried to write about those topics directly. Also scheduling the posts was a stroke of genius and it gave me a perfect amount of distance to write clearly without worrying too much about objectivity. I’ll have to find a way to capitalize on those two things again in the future.

As for my relationship to alcohol? Ten days later I’ve noticed it creeping back into my thoughts even while I’m aware of how little I want it. I can tell I’ll have to think about my health and money consciously again if drinking is back in my life.

And I’m much more aware of what I don’t like about my drunk personality. Weirdly it’s that I tend to get too serious, I have less fun and I am less fun for others. Something inside me always wants to say something important and when I’m drunk I indulge that feeling even if there’s nothing to say. Sober I can be chatty causal funny all night.

Which means I’ve got the information I need to find the balance point. I definitely wouldn’t be happier as a teetotaler, that’s clear.

If you’re just here for the gossip, Olivia and I are quasi-together for the time being. I know it’s not a great idea to be in a relationship right now so I’m doubling down on honesty and keeping my emotions regulated. My head’s less of a mess than during most of time covered in the blog but I’m by no means fixed. I still need the emotional band aids, just to stop me from bleeding out while I’m performing emotional surgery. That metaphor is horrendous but my point is I think I’m better off not in pain. I can digest the lessons of November without having to retreat and become a Zen hermit. Check back in a month to see how wrong I wind up about that.

I can safely say as well with all the breaks ups, moves, infatuations, drama, and heartache alcohol may not be a solution but it certainly wasn’t the problem. Alcohol contributed positively and negatively to the Mandi situation and sobriety didn’t save it. Alcohol kept me in my relationship with Simone longer than was best for either of us and it let me say what needed to be said to break us up. Cafe Absinthe, the Odyssey Mic, and the show with The Reckless Heroes would have been more fun if I’d had a drink after but I enjoyed having a reason not to drink before.  The one really interesting thing is not-drinking probably stopped me from sabotaging my friendship with Maria. It took a curve when I met Olivia anyway but still I’m grateful for that friendship at that time and I think not drinking was a positive part of it.

I have no idea what I’m going to write about in the future. Posts that were essentially glorified facebook updates feel silly now compared to the live-writing, delayed release, purposeful narrative arc of this project. I might keep writing like this about relationships and schedule everything a year ahead, I might focusing on writing and speaking advice again, and I’ll certainly try to just not think about it for the rest of the calendar year.

You’ll see me in 2017.

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Singer/songwriter, jerk.

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