Simone said, when we met again for the first time after the move, that we were like old friends. It’s pleasant and social to see her and the feeling is that we’re connected through the past even though we’re not connected now, like my emotions are bending backwards through time and reaching around to now.
I thought about that again the next week when I finally picked up my gear from Rob’s. Instead of feeling the baggage of the current moment I let myself feel that we were former friends, that now didn’t matter as much as then.
There’s a lot of people I can’t be friends with. Some of those friendships ended badly even. But that doesn’t have to take away that those friendships existed.
I often feel that if it doesn’t matter now then it never really did (as the song goes) and I’m pretty sure I’ve written in the past about how I usually feel rather than a friendship ending I always think we never were real friends at all, we just thought we were friends until we found out we weren’t.
After Simone though I obviously can’t say we were never anything, the part of our lives where we’re romantic partners is over but we still have a relationship, even though it’s just the relationship that we used to have a relationship.
I wasn’t sure what to expect to feel at Dickens when Caught Off Guard played. I was so nervous I drank my face off all day though. There was a night at Vern’s where I was around a lot of the old scene again and it was the hardest night I’ve had in years. But I still had a fun nervous energy before Dickens, that’s my style.
And ultimately it was good to see those guys on stage again. It took me back as opposed to being in the now, my feelings bent backward through time.
I can’t be friends with them again, I can’t even really talk to them again, and there’s a lot of people I can’t be friends with but I can be old friends with, former friends with. People can’t let you down if you invest nothing in them and that makes it easy to be comfortable. I just wish people hadn’t treated me that way when I thought we were active friends.
I put a lot into friendships, it’s all or nothing, life is too short to have half-friends.