Okay, this has been on my mind for days because two unrelated women on two unrelated podcasts told nearly the same story…

They both said they were “sort of” dating a guy who invited them to a party at his house then, when they got there, expected them to be a coat check for the party.

And of course, both women talking about it were like this is bullshit and left. Both with a sort of funny dating-is-hell, guys suck, story to tell on podcasts. And both story tellers were like what kind of pick artist strategy is this, how could this possibly make a girl like you?

But what I want to put in your head is – it wasn’t about making you like him, it was an elimination test.

And for your safety you passed by failing.

This guy, or these guys, weren’t thinking this is a strategy that will get me just any girl. They were thinking a girl who puts up with this will put up with… other… darker… stuff… later.

This is the Andrew Tate type shit. Classic pimp and cult leader techniques of seeking out very vulnerable, pliable people.

You don’t just ask someone would you like to be coerced into prostitution? You take them through a series of innocuous situations where you test for and build up obedience and when it’s time for the unsavoury shit they don’t have to ask.

The Silencer – 2

Okay, new character… and they immediately over do it with her intro. Garcia going off about this person we’ve never heard of is so tedious followed by a tedious joke when she walks in. I feel like they went hard with Seaver and it worked, they went much easier with Rossi and it worked, so we’ll see how this goes. We know it’s only temporary anyway…

As for this episode, I remembered the killer right away. Vaguely sympathetic yet scary. Well done.

And the first hint of the season villain stalking the team… but you still don’t have to watch this one. We all speak the language of television, you’ll get everything you need from better, future episodes.

The Pact – 2

Another one that feels like they’ve done nearly this story before but now with escalation and twist and it gets engaging by the end. Maybe a bit silly and that silliness stops me from calling this a 3… but it’s fun for the long term fans. I’d cringe showing this to a first timer which means I should call it a 1… this is a tough call.

Through The Looking Glass – 1

Oh, our first ‘we all saw Saw’ episode. Because we did. We did all see Saw, I don’t know why every writer on every show saw the Saw franchise and just thought “oh I’ll just do that too.”

Like, even these characters should be like “oh, he’s doing a Saw, yep I had an affair, and you have a drug problem, yada yada, we’re not going to shout about it.”

One. You get a skip and I hope your work dies in obscurity.

Plus, pet peeve, a gun loaded with blanks will still kill someone at point blank range.

God Complex – 2

Oh I remember this oh so vaguely… I think it’s a good one?

Well, I remember the Spencer stuff, the case is likely filler.

Definitely in the body horror, medical horror sub-genre of the show. If that’s your thread then pull it. I know I’ll end up skipping this on rewatches but I can easily imagine some Crimmies adore it.

The Good Earth – 2

Trigger warning for immediate scene of bad running, bad personal training. Get those elbows back and don’t lose your client in the woods, fuck.

I like that the episode is an indictment of health psychos obsessed with ‘natural’ health and going too far, revealing an obvious pathology… AKA me. This is curative for that; Like listening to an episode of Maintenance Phase.

But overall the ep is still a strong 2 and not a 3 because it simply lacks any awesome re-watchable moments to put it over the edge. Although, again, I can imagine this the favourite ep of certain types of horror fans.

Stupid bookend though.

The Apprenticeship – 3

No memory activated… until Matt Lillard showed up! Still pure fog but at least I know I’ve seen it.

Awesome ep. Not absolutely perfect because of the shoot’em and get on the plane instant ending but I can’t change that about this series.

One teeny tiny little thing… I know we love Reid on the softball team as the only hope but I feel like you gotta explain why known athletes like J.J. and Hotch aren’t on the team instead.

The Fallen – 1

The Hard Target episode. This case has been done before and it’s just used as set up for sentimental America fuck yeah propaganda country music bullshit.

The Wheels On The Bus – 1

This is a Saw. Just crazy fantasy bullshit where killers have huge farms and underground dungeons and electronic surveillance everywhere plus the time, energy, money, and cunning to abduct whoever they want whenever they want.

Magnificent Light – 2

Ah, a motivational speaker episode. Every crime show has a least one of these because writers either cynically hate positive motivational stuff or they think “yeah but what if a really bad person absorbed all this self-centered, self-obsessed, self-actualizing bullshit and finally started killing.”

But my memory of this episode is Garcia’s reaction and the line about kick boxing class.

And there’s a big teaser for the season villain, and I can see the episode Zugzwang at the end of this disc so…

The Lesson – 2

Hey, it’s Worm Tongue. I’ve got a bad feeling this episode is some silly shit…

Yeah, we’re doing the fantasy horror again. We got the Chimes, the warm lighting, the long shots of eerie shit that doesn’t progress the story. And again, if that’s your jam in the CM lineage then enjoy. It’s just so weird that this show is occasionally a Tales From The Crypt for middle age women.

Perennials – 2

The maggots episode. I remember things as they happen in this episode but I don’t remember the whys and hows and how things turn out…

Ah, there it is, I remember it all now. This is probably a 2 but I might call it a 1 on multiple re-watches; it’s a little silly and there’s no moments. I guess it has the benefit of a story I’ve never seen on another crime show.

Zugzwang – 3

Okay here we go, the heart of the season. We get the stalker thread tied up and it changes Reid. It’s really dramatically acted and written, Matt Gubler’s performance will grab you.

As always, difficult to say much about the great episodes because you want people to just watch them and take in the greatness.

Ya gotta say though… what mechanism sends that notification to Diane’s phone? Just randomly beeps and randomly full screens her security camera feed? At the perfect time in her conversation?

Magnum Opus – 2

Reed’s ‘Slave Of Duty’ episode.

The case doesn’t feel like total filler just supporting the character’s story but its nothing special. They’ve done this sort of thing before, there’s no real tension or mystery, but the actor playing the killer would be good in this type of role elsewhere. I mean, he could just play this killer on another crime show because they have all done – and will do again – this story.

All That Remains – 2

Now this is a mystery. The cold open has you wondering what’s up right away.

And even by the end you’ve got a cozy little family mystery. One of those mysterious situations where all procedures and logic go out the window so we get the tension and ending we wanted.

There’s an amount of cringe in the Disassociate Identity bit, the show used to be better than that, and the episode would work without it but I guess it functions as a successful red herring.

Broken – 2

Vague memories, vague memories…

Yeah, the self-hating gay storyline again. Better than the first time they did it but it’s still not a clever idea for an episode.

Also a case of ‘writer learned a thing’ in this case a writer clearly learned about Conversion Camps and had to build an episode around it.

Carbon Copy – 3

Love the feeling that the season arc is kicking back in and, for a first time watcher, the reveal that part of the stalker story before was actually the Replicator, it’s immediately tense and engaging.

And knowing, vaguely, what happens it’s nice to see the breadcrumbs and find them meaningful and consistent.

The Gathering – 2

Gotta have a dip into a second verse after a big chorus. We touch on the arc but acknowledge we have to get back to other cases and tada this is what we get.

It’s not a stock case, it’s not nothing, but it’s a bit silly, and taken for granted. I called ‘shoot’em and get on the plane’ and I was, essentially, right.

I gotta give it points for that one scene in the writing group where you sincerely don’t know what’s going to happen.

Restoration – 3

I don’t remember this, i swear, but I think I know before the opening credits what’s up.

And looks like I’m right at the first break.

And confirmed. 11 minutes in. It’s Profiler Profiled part 2 which means bringing back all the characters.

I’m curious to listen to the commentary and hear why they felt the need, or rather exploited the opportunity, to do this story.

And after that commentary, which is just a circle jerk about how brilliant they are, I still don’t know if this episode is good or not.

A big part of this, something I think about frequently, is that a lot of television was never meant to be watched repeatedly. In the 90s you would air a show and it might get seen in a rerun somewhere someday; in the 2000s only great important shows got DVDs and fanbases discussing them; now it’s literally everything that gets treated like Trek and gets a Talmud-like reading. If you experienced this episode by surprise and never saw it again you’d probably getting taken in by the emotion but pressing play on it and knowing what you’re in for it feels cringe-worthily grandiose.

I guess it’s a 3 because you have to watch it to make up your mind. I had to watch it 3 times while thinking about this.

Pay It Forward – 2

Just a classic small town murder mystery Criminal Minds episode. Kind of a relief, a comfort.

And I guess when you do this story, small town big shot covers up crimes for his son, you need a twist but this one actually kind of mucks up the story. Like, the classic small town cover up is scummy, and everyone who participates in it believes it is true so that’s… Kind of bad; and then truth comes out it means the original victim is also bad; and then the vigilante just tries to commit more murders out of anger so that’s also not valorous. So the story ends up lacking a point and therefore rewatchability.

Alchemy – 2

Instantly doing fantasy horror on this one. I immediately wondered if Gubler directed and he did. If you’re gonna do a “drugs as an excuse to direct weird shit” episodes at least you give it to Matty Gubes

Nanny Dearest – 2

Damn, we are 3 episodes from the end of the season and still doing these classic, very formulaic, deeply uninteresting episodes.

And it’s fine. I’d like this ep in season 1, I’d like this ep in season 6, I’d like this this ep with green eggs and ham in a garbage can, but I want the show to be giving me The Replicator season.

#6 – 2

Looks like we’re doing a Saw. I mean, first we’re doing a theme about couples and Blake and yada yada. But then we’re doing a shocking twist that everyone sees coming because, say it with me, we all saw Saw.

But all that said, this episode ain’t bad. Yes you’ll guess the killer immediately but the writing and acting is strong enough that I don’t mind being along for the ride.

Brothers Hotchner – 2

The finale two-parter that doesn’t need to be a two-parter. From the title I knew the episode but let’s see if it holds up…

Middle Class American Audiences love a new-drugs-are-scary episode. Writers do too, whoever learned there’s a drug, PMMA, that’s called Doctor Death probably instantly had yacht keys in their eyes.

Also, as a quick pet peeve, I hate recognizing an actor’s name in the opening credits and it spoiling a reveal later in the show.

The Replicator – 3

Okay, I thought the season-long build-up, was masterful. When it aired and now, the season arc is great… but…

Okay, we gotta talk about this episode in a vacuum first:

I remember the opening stuff with Strauss being great and it absolutely holds up. And the whole multi-season arc her character gets is amazing – for someone dipping in and out you’d be totally lost as to why she’s a good guy now when she was an antagonist for so long but that’s just good growth and good long form writing.

The fact that the killer is tied to Blake and her introduction at the beginning of the season? Brilliant, great.

The building tension through the whole episode? Amazing stuff.

The climax? Weak. Off-kilter. Feels like a re-write or an edit took place for some reason. It’s unsatisfying.

Because there’s no flaw, revealed, in the plan. The Replicator gets his attack on Rossi, gets his attack on the helicopter, then his plan is foiled BECAUSE of his attack on Rossi but there was no compulsive reason for his attack on Rossi and he didn’t mess up his attack on Rossi. He didn’t have to do that and he didn’t benefit from it – so it smacks of the writers needing Rossi to be off-screen.

There needs to be a moment where the killer got arrogant or had to follow a compulsion our heroes have deduced, or didn’t accommodate for the team sticking together or changing or yada yada you know what fatal flaws in villains are. The point is, they build up this mega genius super killer and he gets defeated because he doesn’t think “What if literally anybody else on Earth comes to this door?”

And, like, How did Rossi get there? How did he get the door open? Why did the team flee but he stayed? Real bummer that they dropped the ball right at the end zone.

Okay, so what’s the fix? Have the attack be on Blake instead of Rossi and have her survive because of hubris from the Replicator or insight from her or both, then she can be the off screen savior and have the final conversation with the killer that actually means something.

Reminder of how I scale things 1 through 3: 1 is skip episode, 2 is watch if you want, and 3 is must watch if you actually like Criminal Minds.

It Takes A Village – 3

And of course this is a 3. We get resolution to the Prentiss cliffhanger and it’s satisfying. It’s well written and acted. It doesn’t hand wave, while it also doesn’t get bogged down.

It also answers why I couldn’t remember what happens to Agent Seaver – because it’s nothing. I was just thinking ‘hey she’s not here’ and the line came that she transferred.

Which… eh. I liked the character but I wasn’t attached and it makes sense that she’d graduate or whatever from her rookie training position and get assigned somewhere. And lord knows you couldn’t just have another character on board…

Proof – 1

The hangover of the Emily stuff is good (the stuff with Spencer and J.J. would be cringe if it weren’t so damn well acted, it chokes me up) while the monster of the week is… tolerable? It’s like a writer just learned the concept of unreliable narrator and we got this.

The family ending is a bit too jolly after a teenage girl was just maimed by her uncle but… uh… but nothing it’s a weird bad choice. They just want to give us ‘the team is a family again’ vibes.

But this episode touches on something a say again later – it’s like someone wrote a family drama and put our characters in it after the fact, there’s a lot of that this season.

Dorado Falls – 3

I didn’t recognize the title but as soon as it started I was like “oh I like this one”

Fascinating mental condition the writer obviously just learned about, complex and sympathetic killer, action thriller elements… It’s solid.

Painless – 1

Ah, the Columbine one. They don’t say the c word but they dig deep into the visual cues and the whole story is based around the fact that there’s a mis-attributed quote from a Columbine victim yada yada. Is it a good episode? No. Once the killer is revealed it’s awful.

From Childhoods Hour – 1

From descriptions on the box I know this Rossi’s ex stuff is a long thread but I don’t remember it at all. Is she dying? Is that it?

As for the episode itself… eh. My first thought was it’s over directed, some of the shots and sequences feel intrusive. And the case? Just… yeah, feels like a Crimmy. Feels like if you asked ten people to pitch a generic crime show episode at least a few of them would pitch this.

But shout out to the adult actors acting with all the kids in this episode. Doing a great job when your scene partner is a little rookie baby dumb kid is one for your resume.

Epilogue – 2

Struggling to say much about this one. I like the discussion about how two of the team members have died. It’s a reminder of how much characters go through that adds up to being ridiculous – everyone except Rossi has been shot, stabbed, abducted, tortured, yada yada and they still slow motion laugh at their family dinners every five episodes.

Anyway… I like how philosophically death obsessed the show is these two episodes – really into death’s meaning and consequences rather than typical crime show… typical crime show what…. theatrics and blasé. Like, typically on TV death is really big and flashy but also meaningless and has no consequences.

But the case itself is just no mystery, no motivation, no catharsis, nothing to grab the audience at all.

There’s No Place Like Home – 2

Emily what is that outfit, girl?

This episode is the ‘someone just watched Twister on TBS’ episode. Maybe the special effects team even said “we could do tornado special effects if you ever need” and a producer just turned to a writer and said to make it happen.

It’s nothing special but it’s better than a skip.

Hope – 3

Hey it’s the guy from Heroes.

Holy fuck this episode fucking rules. Heavy. As. Fuck.

(I bought my copy of S7 at a thrift store and I don’t have disc 3…. so…. I’ll fill these next four eps in the future)

Self-fulfilling Prophecy – ?

The Bittersweet Science – ?

True Genius – ?

Unknown Subject – ?

Snake Eyes – 2

The Dean Cain episode. I remember it, it’s not bad, it’s not classic Crimmy though. Like, it’s skippable no need to watch it every time, but also the acting is good and it drives the story even though it feels a bit cliche.

Closing Time – 2

It’s not bad per se but I’m asking myself if they just deleted this episode would it matter and the answer is no. These last two episodes have felt like someone wrote some family drama episodes and then put in the Criminal Minds team.

Thin Line – 2

This is a weak 2, I’m waffling if its really a 1.

There’s a Law & Order Criminal Intent that’s a lot like this and I bet every other crime show to; it’s really obvious and telegraphed.

But all that said there’s a likability to this episode, there’s good acting, there’s some tense moments, yada yada.

But with THAT said there’s such a lack of climax and conclusion and meaning in the end. The show acts like they caught a Scooby Doo villain – the business man did it for business reasons, jinkies guys – while in-universe a kid with a terminally ill mother committed a bunch of murders trying to start a race war and the team just does a ‘shoot’em and get on the plane’

A Family Affair – 2

Some actors are on so many shows as peripheral characters you’re like “haven’t they been on the show already?”

It’s a strong 2. The difference from weaker episodes is this has characters that the writer and director allow to think and feel.

This has the same thing of ‘someone wrote a family a drama and put our BAU team in it’ but this is a family drama where I want the team intervening.

I Love You, Tommy Brown – 3

This crosses over to being a 3 for the acting on the unsub. She’s so weird and creepy but not in a cliche or lazy way, it’s unique and original and even funny.

I don’t say much about 3s, I notice, because I want you to experience it totally but also because there’s little to explore when a good thing is good; exploring why an okay thing isn’t great gives us something to talk about.

Foundation – 2

There’s a thread of episodes about abduction and sexual slavery that starts here this season.

As for this one in particular – It’s slow, and it wants to be menacing but… it’s not a must-watch classic because the show just tells you he’s guilty – doing nothing to show it – but still wants certain moments to be tense or ambiguous and it leaves me rolling my wrist.

Like, if you show me that a dude is a child murder and then show me him as a charming father making chili it’s unnerving; if you just tell me he’s probably guilty then he really is just an old guy making chili.

And we often need one team member to be the doubter, nice that it’s not Derrick this time, but in so many episodes you can tell there’s no chance the ambiguous character won’t be guilty.

So it’s not unwatchable but also if it just vanished from the Playlist it wouldn’t be missed.

Heathridge Manor – 2

Another one directed by Matt Gubler so it’s more on the horror vibes and a little more surreal.

So I’m still calling it a 2, not because it isn’t awesome but just because it’s not in the pure Criminal Minds vein. If you showed someone this as their first Crimmy, and they loved it, they’d be disillusioned with all the other episodes.

Also, shout out to the music in Gublers. Always.

The Company – 3

This episode I remember. From the title alone I remember seeing this broadcast. I was waiting to get to this one.

It’s intense, it’s emotional, it’s sad, it’s disgusting, it’s a must watch for Criminal Minds fans but you wouldn’t show someone this as their first episode for sure. They’ll think you’re fucked up.

To be fair I will say one thing against it – all the ‘Derrick’s lie’ stuff doesn’t feel right to me. If the killer in Big Sea hadn’t claimed to have killed Cindi then Derrick would have full blown lied but instead he merely reports a lie he knows isn’t true. To me that doesn’t feel as narratively strong.

Also, that lawyer folds immediately for no reason other than the story has to be over in 6 more minutes.

Divining Rod – 2

Funnily enough I thought maybe I hadn’t seen this one but then we got to Reid and Rossi’s exchange about napping and I was like – oh I have seen this it’s just mostly boring. It’s not a skip because nothing truly bugs me about it but it’s in a lineage with Angel Maker and Ride The Lightning and I just don’t care for it.

I think something that weakens episodes is too many slasher elements. You will never create moments of horror in a television crime show by just mimicking horror movies.

Profiling 101 – 3

I like this one but I’d understand if it was a skip for some people. It’s slow, it’s sad, it’s introspective, there’s wigs.

I think it’s a great response to the fact they, gosh golly are just so great, they solve every case in a long weekend. We finally get a case that takes years and a mechanism that makes it work with an ending that still pays off.

Hit/Run – 3

Yes, there’s one telegraphed, predictable element from bank robbery stories but it doesn’t weaken the story overall. You’ve got one fun interesting villain and that’s enough.

Massive family ending. Like, they made this a two parter not to put in more action but to have a long emotional resolution because it wraps up season 6 and 7. And I did not realize until watching the special features that Prentiss leaves again. No memory of this but I looked at the box for the next season and was like – oh yeah, that chick, I remember one thing she does sometime.

Looking forward to that.